Finally back on track

Image by oddsock via Flickr

You may well be wondering where the heck I've been for the past month and a half!  Frustratingly enough, my clients were probably wondering the same thing.


As it happened, I had to undergo some unanticipated surgery to correct a rather painful medical situation. 


All I can say about it at this point is: boy, am I glad that's over! And, yes, I'm feeling much MUCH better, thank you for asking (because I know you're nice, and I know you will ask). 


Oddly enough, there are actually several good things to say about all this:


Thing #1: My two kindly music therapy colleagues went to almost all of my clients (at my request) and let them know that I would be having some needed surgery and I would be out for a little while. And they emphasized the fact that I planned to return. 


Thing #2: I have a full-time job. I have good health insurance. I have lots and lots of sick time, because I very rarely get sick (yes, I did just knock on wood). I do not take this fact for granted!


Thing #3: I have two neighbors (both women in their 70s) who were absolutely amazing after my surgery. They checked in on me, they ran errands for me, and they just made sure I was alive and everything was okay. What phenomenal gifts they are! 


Thing #4: I discovered that "recovery from surgery" means "lie on the couch and can't do much of anything". Yes. Well. I did a lot of that.


So. Now that I'm back to work, I can also be back to blogging. Thank goodness! 

Reflecting on a quiet summer

I'm finally back to work.  Only problem?  I got a cold the day before I started. Sigh. So I've been coughing and sniveling through the last three days. Nice.

I've done a lot of thinking about whether my decision to take a leave of absence from being a music therapist for two and half months has been helpful.  A lot of people have asked me, and here's what I have to say about it:

1)  I am absolutely shocked that I didn't spend the entire summer feeling guilt-ridden about having "abandoned" my clients.  After all, I am responsible for their happiness and their very lives, am I not? (Now... you see why I needed to take a break?)  This fact alone indicates to me that I was correct in my recognition that "it was time."  

2)  Toward the middle of August I realized that I couldn't quite remember my schedule.  I know this sounds like kind of a weird thing, but when you work in an institution (heck, when you live in an institution) your whole life revolves around your schedule.  There are a lot of people who need services, there are a lot of people who provide services, and somehow or another we all need to show up, be available and have space to do our thing in some orderly way. Hence, schedules.  

Even though my schedule has changed many times over the last 20 years, I have always been fairly certain I'd be thinking through my schedule daily for the rest of my life (well on into retirement).  It felt that indelibly emblazoned in my mind.  I actually had to go in to work this past Wednesday (my first day back) and ask our secretary if she had a copy of my most recent schedule.  Woah.  That was unexpected.

3)  And, speaking of retirement (well, sort of), I actually have gotten to the point where the idea of retiring, eventually, from the institution sounds good to me.  In fact, I'm even eager to get there.  Can we say, "enmeshment problems"?   Who knows? Maybe I'd even consider moving on and doing different work before I retire (as in, I'd still be a music therapist but with a different group of people).  It would never occur to normal people (I am not one of them) that this would not be an option (leaving one job and going to another, I mean).  For me, it took an actual leave of absence.  Hm. 

4)  This realization happened after my return:  The first three days of work have been exhausting!  Okay, yes, I've got a cold, and that isn't helping at all, but... I'm saying... exhausting!  Walking around from building to building with a guitar on my back and a bag of instruments slung over a shoulder, doing session after session, chasing after clients who head off to parts unknown, dodging clients who suddenly decide to freak out while I'm walking through their day area, trying to cram in paperwork time, preparing for a whole bunch of memorial services and monthly religious services, and figuring out what I've missed in the two and a half months since I last showed up for work... I just get home at the end of the day, check my email, brush my teeth, and dump myself into bed!  

Until you take time off from the perpetual motion that comes to be your daily life, and then go back to it, you don't know how hard you work!  I guess I just got to be so used to doing my usual routine (and what I described above wasn't even usually my whole day, because I've had private clients as well) to the point where I didn't even notice how much constant effort I was putting in to just getting through a day.  Wow.  Just... wow.  Definitely eye-opening.

5)  I'm noticing that I feel calmer in my interactions with my clients.  I'm always going to be neurotic about safety issues, but I feel less compelled to do something when it seems as if nothing is happening in a session.  Before my leave I knew that I didn't have to do anything, but I felt the need to do something.  Now that I've given myself the time I've needed (boy, have I needed) to listen to my own thoughts, face a lot of feelings, slog through so many issues around how I relate to people and such, I'm more willing to simply be with and wait for my clients to get where they need to go when they're ready. 

So, was it worth taking time for myself?  Absolutely.  Am I glad to be back at work.  You bet I am.

 

On temporarily not being a music therapist

Somewhere around about June I realized it was time.  I needed to take a leave from work.  

The thing is this:  I've been at the same job for twenty years.  Yeah. Twenty years.  I don't regret it.  And, frankly, after this many years, I finally have the job I wanted when I first started working there.  Obviously then, for a long time now, I've been immersed in being a music therapist.  I've gone back to school and gotten a master's degree in music therapy, I've had supervision for years and years, I've written (and co-written) two book chapters and an article, and I've truly loved the work.  I still do.  And now I get to work with music therapy students and carry on and on about this work to them as well.  This is cool to me.

As I've thought about it though, I've come to the conclusion that now, after all these many years, what I need to do is begin to dis-identify myself for a period of time from my role as a music therapist.  I have been so connected to my clients for such a long time (I work in an institution with people who have severe labels- all under the giant heading of developmental and intellectual disabilities- and I've been with some of the same folks for almost 20 years) that it's gotten to be difficult for me to perceive of myself as being anything but their music therapist.  

So, now I'm on this leave of absence and trying to experience what it's like to not be a music therapist for a while.  I am so identified with this role that it's still practically the first thing that pops out of my mouth when people meet me.  But now that I've been away from the center for a solid month I feel as if I'm finally ready to do the heavy emotional work of this leave.  I've been doing a lot of journaling, and I'm spending a lot of time playing music.  I'm looking forward to a couple of gigs next week up in New England, and I'll be taking a class on Mindful Therapy at the Cape Cod Institute.  I have another month and a half to go.  We'll see what it brings...