"You are showing them that they exist"

Excerpt From the transcript of the On Being show in which Krista Tippett interviewed Michel Martin:

MS. MARTIN: What we are simply saying is, I see you. I mean, I know for example when — you know, when I was working for “Nightline,” and I went to Turkey after there was a terrible earthquake there, and like, you know, thousands of people were killed. And I was feeling really useless. Um, thinking, boy I wish I were a doctor. I wish I were a structural engineer. I wish I could do something more useful. But then people would come up to me and say, thank you for being here. And I would feel, like, wow, why are thanking me? And then I thought — and I called my — you know what we do at a time like this. You know, I called my husband, because [laughs] I really feel like so useless. What am I doing here? And he said, you are showing them that they exist. And I appreciated that, because I’ve held onto that. It’s like sometimes the best thing we can do for people is let them know that we see them.

MS. TIPPETT: Mm-hmm.

MS. MARTIN: And so sometimes, you know, other people’s bad news is, you know, their lifeline, and letting them be understood. In fact, this was the very first story I did when I was at The Post as a little baby reporter at The Washington Post, and I was sent out on the summer — it was one of those terrible stories that you hate to do because some little boy had fallen out the window of the projects.

MS. TIPPETT: Yeah.

MS. MARTIN: And I had to knock on the woman’s door to get a comment from her. And I kid you not, I walked around the block three times before I mustered the courage to knock on her door, because I knew I had to. And I felt like, you know, and I knocked on the door. And she — and I said, I’m so sorry, I heard about your son, I came to see if there was any — a comment that you had. And she said, where have you been? Because she felt that if someone from the media didn’t come, then this was invisible and it had no meaning. And she had things she wanted to say, like why weren’t there any safety screens on the windows, which there were supposed to be. So, I bring that up to say a lot of times, what sometimes what middle class people see as intrusion, other people with no power see as validating their existence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This part of the conversation was so meaningful to me, particularly a day after sitting with my clients in their "I hate this place!" rage, fear, anxiety, uncertainty. Literally, from the first session to the last, I heard some variation on this experience of powerlessness. In the first cottage, one of the women was screaming about how much she "hates this place!" The person I actually went to pick up for her session was having a rough time of things, and I found myself feeling quite lost and powerless to be of much help to her. The person I worked with in the afternoon was clear in his wish that I would take him away, because he indicated a wish to leave the session space for a while and he directed me straight to one of the vans sitting in the parking lot. 

My last session was with a challenging group of men who live in an untenable situation- stuck in a room, all day long, dependent on whoever was coming in to support them, and angry, frustrated, powerless. One of the men, the youngest in the group at only 31, yelled and yelled and yelled, as he often does, but this time, even though he doesn't use words to speak, I distinctly heard, through his yelling, the words "I HATE THIS PLACE!! I HATE THIS PLACE!!" 

Our session had begun with one of the guys being pushed back into the room by his annoyed staff person. I knew he preferred not to be with us, and I had encouraged him to go and be in the other area, so instead of taking off his shoes, his shirt, his pants and grabbing at me, he kindly got up and walked toward the door. His staff person pushed him back in, because, she said, "he keeps going and leaving the day area and eloping, and we are so short-staffed, I can't watch him and all these other guys as well, so he's going to have to stay in here! Everyone gets frustrated that there aren't any staff, and then they call off!" She, too, was in an awful situation.

It was hard to know what to offer the men, musically, that could even come close to supporting them. All I could do was acknowledge it and let them know, "I hear you, and, yes, it is very hard to live here, and right now it's also very hard to work here. And I hear you saying you hate this place, and I'm sorry you're feeling so disrespected." 

And so, as I felt as if absolutely nothing I could do would be of any help to the guys, one of the most poignant moments was when the young man who was screaming came over to me, after four times, handing me my guitar case and seemingly letting me know he wanted me to leave, picked up a brush that was sitting on the table, and he handed it to me. I was holding my guitar, and I thought, "Whaaaa?" Until he pulled my hand to his head, and he kept a hold on me as he slowly had me brush his hair. 

So, Michel Martin, thank you for reminding me that what I do have to offer my clients is "show them that they exist."

How to be together

We sat together yesterday, our group of seven, on a Monday afternoon. And the curtains in the room were open to the afternoon sun, closed as the sun blinded us, and then open again to watch the beautiful dark frames of leafless trees against the pink and yellow and blue sky as the sun began to set. And, with the early evening news as a background, we noticed, for ourselves and with each other, our music was made of...

...sound and silence,

terror and safety,

change and consistency,

feeling frozen and being in motion,

comfort and discomfort,

certainty and uncertainty,

sleeping and awake,

light and dark,

presence and absence,

judgment and acceptance,

loud and quiet,

intensity and gentleness,

curiosity and detachment,

containment and freedom...

And then, this morning, I read and listened to this gorgeous conversation between Krista Tippett and Ann Hamilton. When Krista asked her what questions we should be asking, without hesitation, Ann responded:

"...how to be together. I mean, isn’t that — that seems like the biggest question. How to be together." (Ann Hamilton) 

Yes! And yes again!

There are so many who believe music therapy sessions with people who don't use speech as their first language are about "playing for your clients." In fact, it is about

listening, 

noticing, 

playing,

 experiencing,

 being

 and wondering 

together.

"...when you’re making something, you don’t know what it is for a really long time. So, you have to kind of cultivate the space around you, where you can trust the thing that you can’t name. And if you feel a little bit insecure, or somebody questions you, or you need to know what it is, then what happens is you give that thing that you’re trying to listen to away. And so, how do you kind of cultivate a space that allows you to dwell in that not knowing, really? That is actually really smart, and can become really articulate? But, you know, like the thread has to come out, and it comes out at its own pace." (Ann Hamilton)

Beautiful and thought-provoking quote

From the transcript of the January 15th, 2012 On Being episode in which Krista Tippett interviewed singer/songwriter/author Roseanne Cash.

Ms. Cash: Sure. You know when I first became a performer, I was so anxious about it and it took me a long time to grow into it, because I thought that being a performer was about getting a lot of attention and I didn't want that much attention. I liked the writer's life. I liked the privacy and the solitude and being inside my own little mind cave. And over time I realized that it's not about the attention, it's about the energy exchange. I'm doing something for them, but they're doing something for me too, you know? And there's no hierarchy really. It's — and some nights that exchange is so beautiful, you know, I can feel my own energy stretching out to the far reaches of the room and theirs coming back. And there's something sublime about it, and also the temporal nature of it that at the end of the night it's over.

Ms. Tippett: Right.

Ms. Cash: It's like a monk's sand painting, it's wiped clean. And so you can't grab it, you know, which is part of the — the mystical beauty of it. You can't repeat it. You know, the next night might be just awful, like, your energy might not expand beyond two feet beyond you and they are not giving you anything and it doesn't work, but you know, that's the way life is.

Ms. Tippett: Yeah, it's that spiritual discipline of knowing impermanence.

Ms. Cash: Knowing impermanence and showing up even though you don't know what's going to happen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love that! 

"...showing up even though you don't know what's going to happen." 

Isn't that gorgeous?

Aside from the fact that it was just...overall, a beautiful conversation about creativity and music and spirituality and how it all melds together, this particular snippet just captured my attention instantly. 


Here's what I loved about it:


First, it is so absolutely descriptive of my daily experience as a more or less psychodynamically-oriented, relationally-focused music therapist. I am not (really, I am NOT), by nature, what one would call a "flexible" human being. However, many years of practicing music therapy using this approach (and taking part in my own therapy, of course) has gotten me to a point where "showing up even though you don't know what's going to happen" has become okay. It's a concept I've grown into and have come to embrace with a comfortableness I would never have imagined for myself. 


Second, I was drawn in by Roseanne Cash's sharing of her struggle, as a musician and as a writer (basically, as an artist), to come to terms with her art- playing, performing, being musically present, which artistic voice to choose, and what all of that means to her. 


Periodically, people will ask me, "Does one have to be a good musician to be a music therapist?" And, until very recently, I've always responded with what my clinical supervisor has said to me, which is: "Well, the more accomplished you are as a musician, the more you have to offer your clients." And that still makes sense to me. 


But, in a recent email conversation with my colleague, Brian Abrams (who just had a terrific article published in the Arts in Psychotherapy journal), I realized that not only do we, as music therapists, benefit greatly from this type of engagement with our experience as artists and musical beings, but, on some level, maybe because of our chosen professions, we actually need to go through that kind of a struggle. 


Put another way, I think a willingness to come to terms with our own sense of what it means to be a musical self and building an identity as musicians and artists enables us to be present to our clients in a more profound, authentic, and meaningful way. 


You might even say it prepares us to  "...show up even though [we] don't know what's going to happen."

Behavior? Or unanswered question?

Image via Wikipedia
For at least the twelfth time in the last few years, I sat in a session today with one of my (many) clients who doesn't use speech, asking him if he might put his thoughts and reactions to the fact that we hadn't seen each other in two weeks (because I was away at the music therapy conference) into the music, and I was struck by the thought, "Geez, what if he has questions that he wants me to answer?"


I don't know whether anyone else ever wonders about this, so I'm throwing it out into the blogosphere, because it bugs me. 


All of us have questions, and when we're little kids we have about a million of them! And we ask our parents (and aunts and uncles, and any adult person, frankly) at least nine hundred thousand of the many gazilions of questions that happen to come into our excited little curious minds.


But...my clients who don't use speech can't do that! And who's to say they don't have a million questions of their own? Yet, how do you ask all your questions when talking isn't your thing?


So, as I've given this some thought, my theory is that the folks I work for are sort of forced to come up with other ways to get their questions answered. And those ways may involve doing some unusual things- maybe we could call them experiments- although more likely we call them "behaviors"- which often seems to imply "doing something that someone finds aversive, offensive or annoying and must attempt to stop".


Hm.  


Well, what if those "behaviors" and unexpected and odd things that this person is doing are really about asking questions that s/he needs to have answered? And what if instead of listening and collaborating to try to help figure out the question/answer, we're focusing on the fact that the "behavior" must go? 

What do I (think I) know?

Gosh, it's been an absolute age since I posted. Ack! Hopefully you're all wondering what the heck is going on, and asking yourselves, "where in Pete has that girl been!?"


So, here's the scoop: this has been the summer of ailments (and, evidently, I forgot to mark it on my calendar). No, really. It's been a little bit ridiculous. 


Since April, I've caught two colds (I hardly ever get sick), one monster case of allergies that led to never-ending coughing and ended up requiring two asthma inhalers (I don't have asthma), and, just because life wasn't going to be complete without it, I've been limping (very painfully) around for four solid weeks with my backside, hip, thigh, and knee out of whack. 


Honestly! Is this truly necessary? 


I say all this to you, not just to whine and kvetch about it (because, I mean, who would I be without my whining and kvetching?), but because getting around with extreme pain (it's finally starting to settle down somewhat, thank goodness) has forced me into an awareness I've never had before.


I'm ashamed to admit to you how completely ignorant I've been of this fact: There are a lot of people walking around in constant and terrible pain. They're not complaining and carrying on (like I am). They just go about their business and do what they've got to do. In pain. 


It's one thing to get this on an intellectual level (and, of course, I've always understood this on an intellectual level), but that doesn't mean anything. 


Sure, I've seen my dear friend get to a point where she's had to walk around with a cane (and only for very short distances) because she has extremely painful knees. I always known that she's in pain most of the time, but until recently I'd only understood it on a peripheral level. 


Until I experienced what it's like to be absolutely unable to get from point A to point B (forget the fact that moving made me want to scream and/or cry)...I had no clue. 


Do I have a point I'm trying to make here? Well, yes, I think so.


I'm realizing (yet again) how important it is for me to question some of the things (maybe many of the things) I think I "know". Because a lot of the time...I really don't. Often, all I have is some vague idea in my mind about what someone's experience is- whether the person's in pain, has a serious illness, comes from a culture or ideology different from mine, has some sort of a label (whether s/he wants that label or not), is socially ostracized...The list goes on indefinitely, as you can imagine.


I am struck by how limited I am in my understanding of what any of these things actually mean in terms of a person's life and how it affects who the person is and how they relate to other people and to the world.


In short, I am, yet again, astonished by how much I just don't know. And, more to the point, how much I'm not even aware I don't know. And I have to ask myself: as a music therapist, what are the things I think I know? And how willing am I to find out my assumption(s) may be incorrect? 

Journal Prompt #5: A person of interest

Image by On Being via Flickr
...And are we not of interest to each other?


The very last line of Elizabeth Alexander's poem- to which I'd only been half listening as I prepared breakfast with the radio on- came into my consciousness in such a profound way that I literally tripped over the garbage can, knocking it over, on my way to the computer to go and find it and re-read the whole thing.   


And I again came to rest on the last line:


...and are we not of interest to each other?


How beautiful!


You are by now, I'm certain, well aware of my love of good questions. So, as you can imagine, on principle, I love Elizabeth Alexander's ideas about poetry and how it leads to inquiry. Here is what she had to say about the matter in the interview she did with Krista Tippett from On Being:


I was thinking about the act of asking real questions in poems as a kind of spiritual practice. I ask questions relatively often in poems and I ask them because I don't know the answer. And I ask them because I think that poems are fantastic spaces with which to arrive at real conundrum kinds of questions, to go as far down the road as you can of understanding something and then sometimes that road ends with a real question.


I wonder if one might describe the process of music therapy (and, indeed, maybe someone already has) as a form of collaborative poetry-making and inquiry- an effort to create an evolving piece of relational art- one that often ends with more questions than answers. And one that invites deep self-reflection and, as my mother (who is a poet) often points out, frequent editing. 


...and are we not of interest to each other?


Elizabeth Alexander elaborates:


[The question] ...to me isn't about, oh, you know, I like her shoes or ...he has a fascinating job. It's much deeper than that. Our human beings who are in community, do we call to each other? Do we heed each other? Do we want to know each other? And I think reaching across what can be a huge void between human beings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you consider your work as a music therapist (and as a participant in life), you might ask, not only do we interact with each other, but how do we interact with each other, who are we to each other, and in what ways are we with each other?


More questions to ponder: 
*Are my clients "of interest" to me? In what ways are my clients "of interest" to me? As in, what do I mean when I think of someone as being "of interest" to me? How do I define "interest"? Is it as "you're an interesting person"? Or is it deeper than that? And how deep am I willing to go?


*Are my clients "of interest" in terms of how I am defined when I am with them? Are they "of interest" in terms of: "This is who I think you are in relation to me"? In other words, is the "interest" defined largely by the roles we play? And how willing/comfortable am I to look beyond the assigned roles?


*Does being "of interest: mean that I know certain things about you as my client? And how does that affect the power dynamics in our relationship? On another level, what and how much am I willing to know about you? 


*What do I, as your music therapist, want you, the person called my client, to know about me? Are there things I wish you could know about me? And whose need am I meeting in wanting that?  


*What if our clients don't hold our interest? What then? 


My deepest thanks to Elizabeth Alexander for her inspiring poem and to Krista Tippett for the willingness to "go there" in her interviews! 


You can read the entire poem and learn more about Elizabeth Alexander and her books of poetry here. And you can listen to (or read) the entire conversation (and many other engaging interviews) with Krista Tippett here.

The eyes have it

I was very conscious of my clients' eyes this past week. 

I'm not sure why I was struck more than usual this week (as opposed to most other weeks), but I noticed there was a lot of eye-contact (which you would kind of think wouldn't really be the case when working with folks who aren't usually all that comfortable with looking directly at people). Anyway.


Here's a summary of my, um, eye-catching (sorry) moments:

1. D stared at me for quite a while during his session. Really. I'd classify it as staring. Something was going on for him, which became even more apparent when he got up and pulled me to the Music Room door (which he has only done once or twice in the 13 years I've worked with him) and headed us back to the cottage. I found myself feeling uncertain as to what was going on with him. Was he excited? Angry? Attracted? Frustrated with me? When he decided to leave the session unexpectedly, I felt disappointed and a bit confused.


2. R looking at me rather intently and frequently today. This is very unusual for him, because he usually looks at my hands and at what I'm doing on the guitar. I have very little conscious memory of him ever even looking at my face! I was joking with one of the other music therapists at work that I must be doing one heck of a job. After working together for almost 23 years (seriously), R finally approaches me and greets me when I arrive in his home. Maybe this is an extension of that?


3. W has been expressing some intense feelings toward me. I have, of course, been responding with "that's not our relationship." During a recent session, I said to him, "you know, it seems as if I'm really frustrating you a great deal lately."  He responded by looking at me. Very. Pointedly. [Insert slight squirm here.] And then he left his session early also. But this time, aside from feeling a bit confused, I also felt (yes) frustrated. ("Take that, you blasted music therapist!")


4. V greeted me today by scooting over to me, looking me in the eye, and taking both of my hands in hers when I arrived in her group. This, I must say, was a way friendlier "hello"  than she had been using when I showed up over the past three weeks! (Observe, to your right, the fascinating and unusual unhappy face she somehow managed- without even intending it- to create on my arm with her nails...isn't that wild?) (And, no, don't worry. I'm fine.)


It certainly looks as if the eyes have it this week! (Sorry, again, for the dreadful string of puns.) (Really, I can't help it.)

The Joys of Journaling

Image via WikipediaI will be conducting a workshop tomorrow evening (that would be on May 5th, or Cinco de Mayo, as it were) on The Joys of Journaling. It's a part of the Kardon Institute for the Arts Self-Care Series down in Philadelphia.


In honor of this event, I dug out my very first diary which I got for Christmas when I was ten years old. (I know, I know, why the heck is a person with a Jewish mother and a Muslim father getting Christmas presents? What can I tell you? We like giving/getting presents in our family, and we like Christmas songs. I mean, what's not to like?)


Anyway, I've been reading some of the things I wrote back when I was a mere 10, and I have to say they are hilariously funny and sort of poignant from my now forty-five year-old perspective. 


It's interesting (okay, and it's a little embarrassing) to re-visit my younger self and to remember what was so important back then that it caused me all manner of angst. 


It's been an absolute delight preparing for this workshop, because it's no longer (ahem) 1976, and the options for journaling have expanded exponentially. I mean, with the advent of technology (let alone the gradual expansion of my no longer all that young mind) there are, literally, no limits to the many fascinating and creative ways we can come up with to record and to explore our thoughts, feelings, reactions, ideas, identities, and general...stuff!


Admittedly, even though I very much enjoy writing (and reading!) blog posts, and I've certainly written my share of songs that started out in journal form, I remain true to my favorite form of journaling: I have a big stack of trusty wire-bound, college-ruled notebooks filled with the scribbling of whatever comfortable fine-tipped ball-point pen was serving me at the time. 


Now, the plan for tomorrow is to try out some journaling exercises, and I'm hoping to work some music-making in there as a part of the self-discovery process as well. I'll be taking along my little Flip camera and my tape recorder (yes, I did just say that- it's a great gadget, and I adore it for writing songs), so we can try out some alternative journal forms. 


I truly love the act of journaling (even though I sometimes actively avoid it for a period of time until I'm ready to jump in there and look at my stuff). The way I see it, journaling is a conversation I have with myself. 


In terms of being a music therapist, it's helped me define who I am, what I think about the work I do, and, most importantly, it's helped me to learn how to pay attention.


Writing in my diary gives me a chance to say things I can't say to my clients, and it helps me think about why I want to say those things in the first place. It gives me a chance to think through sessions that confound me, and it's a wonderful way to explore the things within me that make it hard for me to hear what my clients (and the other patient people in my life) are trying to say. 


I'm wondering if there are others of you out there who find journaling to be helpful in terms of deepening your work as a music (or any other kind of) therapist. I'd love to hear of your experiences. 

The Act(ion) of Thinking

Image via WikipediaI've been thinking about RD of late (well, particularly today, because we had a session this morning). 


RD is a very sweet young man on the autism spectrum (he does not use speech to communicate), and he is very particular about things. And by this I mean that he seems to believe that all things should have a place (I think I can thank one of his family members for his excellent manners and his tidy nature.)


It so happens, that we work in a terrifically messy room in his cottage (oddly enough, it's the, um, "sensory room") (yes) (well). 


Anyway. 


No matter how much I try to clean up all the clutter in the place before I go and pick him up for his session, he still finds things to, er, tidy. 


He also likes checking out all kinds of objects. He has a collection of action figures with giant feet (I don't want to know!), and his staff people find him books and various things that have moving parts to them. He keeps them all in a big box with his picture on the front. Great! 


So. Back to the aforementioned "sensory room"...


Because this is, apparently, a full service sensory room, there are almost always broken battery-operated sorts of things lying around in varying states of function and dysfunction. This means that the batteries are lying around (lovely), and the little parts that keep the batteries quietly tucked inside the gadgets are also roaming about freely.


RD, being the tidying kind of guy he is, and being the kind of person who likes to bond with objects, has been picking up these little plastic parts that were supposed to hold in batteries. He just turns them over and over in his fingers and holds them close to his face so he can examine them.


While he's doing that, he sings. He hums little melodies (I've come to learn that he repeats specific melodies with small variations here and there). I either sing them back to him or play them on the guitar (with my own variations and chords). And while he's scurrying about the room arranging things, we sing and play back and forth with each other. 


The other thing you need to know is that, when he borrows an instrument from me (to check out as described) he often puts it back in the closet that's in the sensory room. As such, I have to go and retrieve the instrument quickly because otherwise it'll be there for all eternity (I have reached the official limit on my brain's memory card, and, let's face it: some things are just going to have to go!). 


Now, not only does he take my stuff and put it in the cottage closet, but he puts stuff he picks up in the cottage on my music cart or in my instrument bag. I am forever pulling things out of my bags (after his session) and putting them back in the room (back in circulation, as it were).


Okay.


So, as I mentioned above, I was thinking about RD, and I was wondering: why does he keep putting cottage things in my bags? And why does he keep putting my stuff in the sensory room closet? What's that about? Is there something he might want me to know? Or that I should be noticing about this?


And I thought, hm. So I mentioned to him during his session that maybe he needs to have me hold on to a small piece of him when I go (i.e., don't forget me, please). And maybe putting my stuff in the cottage closet is a way for him to keep a piece of me as well. 


When I gave it some more consideration, it occurred to me, again, that here's a guy who likes everything to have its own place- whether it's the "right" place or the "wrong" place. And I remembered that he himself grew up in a few different places, being sent around to various family members, because his mother died when he was an infant. 


And now here he is with us, in an institution.  


And it made me think about objects. And about having a place to be. And I wondered (out loud to him) if maybe it was important to him that he have a specific place to be. And what his thoughts are about being in the "right" place or the "wrong" place. And which one he feels the institution might be.


RD's response was to increase his singing. He and I sang back and forth for ten more minutes than usual today (we usually make it for 20 minutes, but today it was 30!) before he hopped up and began pulling the guitar off of me to indicate that we were finished.


So, I'm thinking this is veeeery cool. 


Definitely warrants some more thinking...

How wonderful that you're here!

Image via WikipediaWe music therapists are always trying to define what we do. Or, more specifically, help other people understand what it is we do. We write books and articles about it, we blog about it, we put together podcasts- all in an effort to convey to the masses a sense of what makes us go into this profession that seems to defy description!


But, if someone were to have asked me yesterday "what is music therapy and how does it work?", I would probably have said that it's about inviting people to be present to each other, and we use the music to help make that happen. 


Mondays are long days. For me, I go into work a little later and stay a little later. And, I think we can all agree: it's hard for any of us to transition into a Monday, which is, for most folks, the beginning of the work week. And I would say that it requires even more fortitude to get into the Monday spirit of things after a particularly long Thanksgiving weekend, which, of course, marks the beginning of the (dreaded) holiday season.


While staff frantically decorate the cottages and prepare for Open Houses (where everyone's family is invited to come and visit and there's food and music and merriment and so forth), my clients prepare for the annual anxiety of "will my family be coming to spend time with me this year?" 


So, this is a bit of the sense I got when I showed up to work with the group yesterday (Monday) afternoon- "the group" being ten men and me. 


Oh, where to begin? 


Well, let's see. There was a whole lot of messing with chairs (that would be P), switching of seats (that would be R), tossing instruments, trying to pick up instruments and then getting stuck on the floor and needing help to get up (that would be T), repeatedly rearranging and fixing the curtains so the sun wasn't blinding us (um, well, actually, that would be me), coming in, turning off the lights, and then leaving (that would be K), coming in, crying and starving to death and then leaving (a different K who does use some speech), and on and on, all accompanied by a low moaning (courtesy of J), the periodic fist to the head (of B), and the festive crashing of the tambourine (P again).


Can I get a witness? Anyone? Anyone?


Uuuhmmm. Now what?! (And if any music therapist tells you they know exactly what to do when their clients are all freaking out at the same time...just so you know- They. Are. Lying!)


I managed (do not ask me how) to get my thoughts together enough to be aware of the fact that, while the guys were all there, they weren't really There. Nobody was listening to anyone else in the room, we were all kind of...everywhere, but none of us was present to the experience of being in music therapy. 


I pointed this fact out to the guys (who, God bless them, heard me above the drama-filled din), and I asked them, "Gentlemen. What can we do here? How can we use the music? How can we use our thinking, to get ourselves to be here in this room, in music therapy, together? Why don't we just work on that, so that if we do nothing else today, we'll know that we cared about each other enough, that we mattered enough to each other, to notice that we were all here together."


Enter music. 


I moved over next to B, because I didn't want him to be hitting his head, and offered him my hand (he took it). He had been vocalizing while he was hitting himself, in a kind of a hum. So, since I couldn't play guitar with only one hand, I invited the guys to find some kind of way to hum with B to help him settle down.


I started to hum (in B's general key), and it didn't take long at all before the men found ways to join in with their voices and actions. J moved his arm, every few measures, up and then down to the beat. P, in spite of his tambourine prowess (and he really does rock on the tambourine) used his voice- which has more of an "oh" and "ah" quality. Yet another K quietly chimed in on the cabasa he was holding. R stopped moving around and sat, listening, with his eyes closed, breathing deeply. 


B calmed down and kept singing (but stopped hurting himself), so I was able to make use of both of my hands again. I played a very simple progression on the guitar- kind of an Asus4, Cmaj7, to D/F#, B, E (sometimes major and sometimes minor), and I repeated it as we sang and came together.   


It was lovely. 


There was smiling. The moving around and in and out stuff stopped. There was presence. We were looking at and acknowledging each other. 


We managed to be present in the session and we used the music to make it happen. The definition of music therapy on a Monday afternoon. 


And what makes this way of using music so cool is that this particular piece of improvised music  could only have happened on this day and with this group for it to have had any meaning. Taken out of context, it might sound okay, but it will never have the same impact as it did yesterday afternoon as we all sat quietly, after we finished, even after we sang goodbye, nobody wanting to leave quite yet, watching the sun set together.

Back off, lady, I've got this!

Image via WikipediaI tried a different approach with B today.  My usual tendency is to sit there, paying as close attention as I can (without being too obvious) and trying my best to figure out what he is (not) saying by asking him bunches and bunches of questions (and driving both of us crazy in the process). 


Yes, even I realize that asking tons of questions is annoying. 


And, no, he doesn't use speech, but when he truly needs to make sure I hear him, he is quite clever in his communicative style.


Well. He was reclining (as he does) on the couch in the Music Room, and he was very specifically looking off in the distance (read as: "I am not looking at you! NOT looking at YOU!"). Okay. Got it. We are not looking at me. Fine. Onward. 


I, of course, started to leap in with my usual round of questions ("Rough day? Too noisy in the cottage? Feeling off because we changed our session time last week? Blah? Blah blah blah? Blah, blah, and more blah?"). Okay, I'm not really proud of the fact that I did this, but I did. So. There it is. B's response? Stay the course. Keep staring straight ahead. 


Hunh. That was effective. 


I stopped (thank God). And I thought, "Try again, Roia. Settle it down, and try again."


So I said to him, "You don't really seem to be ready to be dealing with stuff right now. Why don't I just play piano over here, and when you're ready, you let me know."


I rummaged through the stack (really- there's a stack) of (countertransference) songs I've used in his sessions, and I pulled out the Beatles' song, "Don't Bother Me". I hemmed and hawed (internally) for a bit and decided to just play it on the piano rather than sing it. It didn't seem right to break the silence with words just yet. 


I played through. Aside from tossing the bells he was holding and then picking up the mallet, there wasn't much (visible) change. Moving right along. 


I rummaged some more, and I found "Out Here On My Own" (from the movie Fame). (Anyone else sensing a theme here?) I really wanted to sing the words, but it still didn't feel like it was time to do that, so I played through it with just the piano. 


I feel as if I need to explain two important things here:


One is that the songs I chose were intentional- not as random as it may seem when you read my writing. I wanted to reflect his need for some emotional space, but I also know that he's been struggling with trying to come to terms with what our relationship is and is not (which is a gentle way of saying that I'm trying to help him understand that "we don't have that kind of a relationship.") He has not been happy about that, and although I think that, on some level, he gets why it is the way it is, he still feels very abandoned by me right now.


The second thing is that B spends a part of almost every single session, pulling me to the door and flicking the light switch off and on (you may draw your own conclusions as to what that particular habit may be helping B to say to me). 


Great. So you're up to date. Back to the music...


This time the mallet was tossed, but B still sat quietly listening with his gaze firmly averted. 


I sat quietly for a while (even I can sit quietly sometimes) and waited. 


B leaned forward and tossed the maraca (which he uses to express anger) and tambourine (to express uncertainty) on the floor and was ready to hurl the cabasa (for conveying disappointment and sadness) as well, but I managed to stop him just in time (did I mention he can make sure he's heard when he has something to say?). 


"Maybe," I suggested, "I'll play the song I just played again, only this time I'll sing through it with the words. B, why don't you sing it with me. You can use your voice, you can pick the bells back up and use them, you can move...just pick a part of the song that feels right, and join in." 


So I went back to the piano and started (again) with "Out Here On My Own" 
(Lyrics: Lesley Gore, Music: Michael Gore; Copyright 1979)

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,

Who I am, do I fit in?

Make believing is hard alone, out here on my own.

We're always proving who we are-

Always reaching for that rising star

To guide me far and shine me home,

Out here on my own.

(Chorus)

And when I'm down and feeling blue

I close my eyes so I can be with you

Oh, baby, be strong for me, 

Baby, belong to me. 

Help me through. Help me need you...

The minute I started singing the chorus, B joined in! He got up, started to hum in a low tone and rock back and forth. Then he headed over to the light switches and started to flick the lights up and down in time to the music (I could tell, because he paused so he could stay with the beat)!!


He stuck with me- moving, vocalizing and light switch flicking- until I got to the very last words of the song ("out here on my own."), at which point he came over and stopped me from playing any more by pulling me to the door (not because he wanted to leave, but because he wanted me to stand with him). 


Wow. Just...wow. He was glorious.


Clearly, the strong feelings of loneliness and longing are still very present for him. The beauty of this profound musical moment (as I see it) is that B now feels safe enough to fully participate in the experience of actually making music. And I do need to point out that this has taken quite a lot of years. For much of the first twelve years of our work together, he largely avoided using music- often barely even allowing me to use music!


The fact that B was not only willing to sing with me (and in such a creative way), but to make sure it had meaning when he did it, is what makes this work so amazing!


I guess the question (for me) now becomes: knowing that when you back off and allow your clients to say what they have to say, they will not only do it but do it beautifully (and you don't need to worry them along), what's preventing you, Roia, from backing off so much of the time? And what is it you're afraid of hearing when your clients do "speak" to you through their music?